Social support in early parenthood

I sort of take comfort in the idea that children do need to see the full spectrum of emotions and that's the only way that they're going to learn about the full spectrum of emotions and I suppose not to be discouraged or if feel disinclined to be honest about what they're feeling about things. If they can see it role modelled, it's just a matter of managing them responsibly in a way that um, isn't destructive. I guess, taking responsibility for your feelings and not spraying them on others. Because it can be a bit of a spray. You don't really mean to, it's just hard to contain it.

I find that [my husband]'s been - I don't like it when he pulls me up on it, I really get pissed off with him, to be honest. I think, you know, "You don't understand me," and these kinds of ideas and claims but when I pause for a moment. When I sort of stop the anger and actually really listen to what he's trying to say then it's for my benefit and it's for the benefit of the family. That's why he's pulling me up on it. And I feel like I do have to take responsibility otherwise it's just going to lead to the relationship to break down and the family to break down and that is just the last thing I want.

When my husband took three weeks of parental leave we were absolutely a team. Because I felt we shared a lot of it 50-50 and we learnt from each other. And we exchanged our tips and tricks we discovered when it comes to what I call baby management. But it was when he went back to work and I was the primary carer that the discrepancies happened.

That I would suggest he handles her this way or I would advise him that in this situation. I would hold her differently. He didn't like to hear that and I wish someone had warned me not to give the man an advice. I wish someone gave me that advice beforehand. Let him work it out because that created arguments in those weeks that were so fresh and rare.

Now I try to pull back and make very subtle suggestions that maybe just sound like I'm sharing what I've learnt. But I know that pushed his buttons and now I know that but nobody warned me. And no other couple that we know every disclosed to us that having a newborn in the house created arguments.

So I expected pressure, I expected tiredness. Maybe some grumpiness but I didn't expect we would shout at each other. And it doesn't happen often but when it does you feel like you are the loneliest mother in the world because your partner is your best friend. He's the only other person you've got - you've got in your house that can help you physically with the baby. And that energy's not healthy for a baby either. I-it's making the mum feel like she's failing to maintain a composure.

And it's probably what would cause depression in a lot of women when their partner is not the source of support.

And I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to make it better. All I know is that the tiredness makes me act certain way. I am trying to acknowledge it when I talk to my husband but he gets grumpy too. He gets tired and becomes grumpy and the way we start talking to each other, it becomes like a Hollywood movie where the couples just can't stand each other anymore. And though they love each other and love the baby they lost the way to communicate with each other. Because he comes home, he opens the door and everything revolves around, is the baby fed? Is it quiet in the house? What do we do? Do we tip toe? Do we have even a chance to have a dinner together? And that was a new discovery for us.

You don't have a dinner together as new parents. That's one of the luxuries you give up because when it comes to evening feed it coincides with your only time you can be together. And if you have cold dinners as well just like my day has got cold cups of tea. You don't have a warm one. And shower becomes such a luxury that if he can watch her and I can spend more than two minutes in a shower you realise that's a luxury.

And so when he gets the luxury every day you kind of start feeling that it's not fair, that there is no longer a balance in the relationship. That there is a lot more on my shoulders but I'm the primary carer officially so I don't want to sound like I'm complaining but the exhaustion makes me act like a grumpy wife and I don't like it. I would much more prefer to have more happiness between us.

So the fact there is that - you know, there is a competition who sleeps more. And when it's a nice sunny day and I want to go out and then she's grumpy and crying you feel again, like you're missing out.

Because your partner can go out and work around the house. And I want to go and work in the garden but it's not always possible. But I hope that it will get better and that's why I guess, I'm staying in good spirits. Because this is not a life sentence.

Then my husband had to work hard. His professor is too - I think vice chancellor or something, where she asking very - I think looking for very best academic level from my husband. He always - I think 9:00, sometimes nine o'clock coming back home and awake, wake, awake until 2:00, 2:30. Very strict professor.

Then I'm looking for - I just - my only friend my husband, but he'll come and he will be very busy. He sits on couch and just looking 30 minutes TV. Even sometimes he didn't talk with us because he's full of stress. I don't know what to do, I'm crying, crying. At the time I haven't even [got the] internet, or talk with my family because phones are very expensive.

I don't know how I cope with that situation, it's very - and I can remember I, we came - after came one or two weeks, my daughter, the teeth, I don't know, teething. Then, her fever, 40 degrees or something. My husband has assignment. He haven't even look after the daughter. Three or four night I wake up all the night.

I'd just done my sixth cycle and the doctor had rung up to say that all my embryos had shut themselves. None of them survived and I was gutted and I just thought, 'Oh, it can't get any worse'. Yeah, well, it did, because then I found out my mum was going to die and that was - I couldn't - they were trying to - the doctors were trying to book me in for a new cycle and I just thought, 'You know what? I just have to - I can't'.

So I stopped and for the next six months I just concentrated on my mum and my family and, you know, preparing for the inevitable. It was a terrible year, because my mum's mum, who was 90, she died in the January and then my mum died in May and that was horrendous. It's - my kids were devastated because they saw their grandmother every day. She was, a really hands-on grandmother, even though she was sick. You know, she'd still want to have them for sleepovers, even though she was - even though she was really sick, you know. She just - she was what a grandma should be. And they were robbed of that, you know, because their other grandparents were overseas, so, I felt really bad for them.

I felt really bad for myself too because my mum was - she was amazing, because she was a, she was a single parent. My dad was pretty useless. So she was my mum, my dad, my everything. She did everything. She was the biggest support I had, biggest - my biggest fan.

[My children had] very different [births] and also very different in the environments surrounding the birth. So for my son I was very excited and it was all great but by the time my daughter was born things were already very much broken with their dad and the difference in feeling supported whether perceived or real made a huge difference in my interaction with each of them.

And luckily my mum was around when my daughter was there and she did something which in hindsight was really very clever. She pretended to be my daughter and be her voice so she would say, "Mummy I know you are really tired but I just want a cuddle," or - she humanised her at a time that was really quite traumatic and I think I would have struggled a lot more to have connected with her had she not been there and played that role.

Obviously she took the physical pressure off but she also psychologically gave me that space and that, that ability to connect at a time when I was just thinking, 'What am I going to do? I've got this tiny baby and all this other stuff is going on.'

So having my mum around was - I can't even - I can imagine it without her, not having someone to support you. I don't think it's even a question of whether it's - who it is. It's just having that person around you who - person or people who really support you and putting yourself first. I was actually really glad. I couldn't get visitors. I didn't - I, I couldn't have thought of anything worse because I was still in that bubble of just needing to find - the awe of this person being here. [...] My daughter is slightly tongue tied like me so she had real trouble suckling so the breastfeeding was a much more stressful thing and to have had people coming and going would have just been - yeah, it was great that it was just mum basically at that stage, um, and dad popped in and out but wasn't of any kind of support. So definitely having the right people around made a huge difference.

So yes I went to, to, to the hospital to be induced and yes it was really [laughs] - it was hard. It was a five hour labour but it was terrible, yeah [laughs]. I remember it very well so - and then so we had our - our second child when he was born my husband took days off - a couple of weeks off to support me and - and this second baby was a bit different to - because he wouldn't sleep [laughs] at night. The first one was good. She would - was very good but this one was the opposite. He would not go to sleep so there were lots of sleepless nights and he was healthy and everything and he's fine but, yeah there seemed to be a bit - lots of work and also because it was just ourselves.

We had friends - a few friends but it was a bit different from the first time because we had family living with us and supporting us so - and also the people from home were keen to see this baby and it was - it wasn't possible at the time so that created a bit of anxiety as well and yeah and just wishing there was family.

We have family in Australia, in different parts of Australia, different cities and different states but yeah it's different, they - yeah, feeling a bit [there] for long to support.

So - yeah, so just being away from, from home was the big thing. There were no - really, no serious health issues, no - even psychological issues but just thinking and wishing that yeah, we could do the same. Like it reminded me of my childhood where we grew up with [laughs] - with family around so it was very different and that's why we haven't got as many children [laughs] as I thought we would if we were back home [laughs].

I think I've worked hard to build, friendships in the world of children. Sometimes I don't particularly feel like it but I think, I don't think I was very good at building friendships before I had children.

I think I was a happy to be a bit of a loner and I have, I have friends from that time but just because they persevered, not because I did, particularly when I was depressed. I just cut off from everyone and some of them have never come back and I don't blame them.

But having children I think for me forcing myself to say hello to people in parks when you're all standing at the bottom of the slide for the umpteenth million time or pretending that the tan bark is an apple and you want an ice cream from the tan bark, you know. I think saying hello to people and starting up conversations has been sometimes quite hard, but invariably valuable ... and I've made some really good friends.

Even if I just then see them walking in and out of the kindergarten door and then see them walking in and out of the supermarket you feel like you've got a world around you that is vaguely familiar and joining the free things like library reading groups and library music groups and that kind of thing, because it can be quite lonely and it - although sometimes you can feel quite lonely in those groups, when there's a whole lot of other mothers who seem to know each other.

So there's a fine, you know there's a line at which you think, 'Oh, I'm going, this is awful'. But I made an effort to go to my mother's group, which was organised by the Council. Sometimes it really was an effort but it was an effort that paid off and making friends in the park, because everyone's actually feeling the same thing.

Although some people look so much more together than you, everyone's really feeling the same thing. It's, it's a bit lonely and it's a bit discombobulating and your body's dreadful compared to what it was and hurts, probably, and you're sleep deprived and, and you've lost that - you've actually lost, I think work defines a sense of self, well it did for me, anyway.

I find with a lot of other women who have had children - this shift that sometimes occurs in your friendships with those who have children and those who don't and a lot of other women that I know - they don't really have much to do with their friends that don't have kids anymore. And I'm quite unusual [in that] my three closest girlfriends, none of them have - one of them is partnered. But the other two are single and don't have children. And I don't know but they're really important to me; like I just - 'cause sometimes I think - I dunno. Maybe that's part of why I'm aware of somehow - sometimes how exclusive and cliquey this whole motherhood thing can be because I'm close to three people who - well there's more, if I go beyond that inner circle, for whom it hasn't happened but they would've liked it to happen. And I'm very sensitive to their feelings about it all and stuff and I can see through their eyes what it must be like and because I was worried about that happening to me and all that - and they're actually quite enjoying their lives. I'm not saying they're lacking in any way whatsoever, but yeah my childfree friends have been critical to my whole journey into parenthood. And I don't feel some natural affinity with other people just simply because they have children.

So what about, um, your - you talked about your mum and father... what about their role at this time?

For me, I spent a lot of time pushing them away a little bit. They came - they live in the country, so they came down and - and spent a week in rented accommodation to - to be close to me. But, as always with my - with my mum and dad, I try very hard to not let them worry about anything. Because I know of their past and I know that they automatically go to the negative when it comes to children being sick or me.

Something - anything going wrong with me.

And I try very hard not to worry them about things, so I would always put on - when they would come and visit me on the ward, I would always put on a brave face, tell them not to worry, 'No, go home, I'm all right'. You know, and just try and take all that pressure and - on myself and not offload it - on them. That's what I spend a lot of time doing. So - and then, going to see my son for the first time, I put on a very brave face as well. Because I didn't want my mum and dad and - and my in-laws to be worried that there was this tiny little baby in a humidicrib and I didn't want them to be upset. I wanted them to be happy that they had a grandchild and that, you know, he was this wonderful little boy.

So when they walked into special care and I saw the horror on my parents' face when they saw my son, because they'd never seen a baby that small before, I said, "Don't worry, it's fine, there's no issues, he's doing really well". But really, internally, I was - I was screaming, I really - I wanted - yeah, I wanted people to feel that fear that I was feeling. So ... I protected them.

And so what about friends then? Good, close girlfriends? Or...

Look, I do have wonderful friendships, and they were all very supportive, with messages and helping with dinners and visiting and that kind of thing, but - I think that I've made the mistake with my girlfriends, to, once I've had children, just completely focus on my children and I've let a lot of my friendships, just go a little bit. Again, so I knew that my girlfriends were worrying about the whole thing but - again, I didn't want to burden them with - the problems. And yeah, I perhaps didn't have those really, really, really close, everyday friendships that I'd had before I had children, so yeah.

And what works this week is most likely not going to work next week so you've got to be flexible and adapt. And you know it's not easy and you've also got to allow yourself - you've got to allow yourself to have meltdowns. You've got to allow yourself to acknowledge you can't cope all the time and that it is going to get overwhelming and the best piece of advice I was given - and it was by that twin mother at the school that I told you about before. She said if anyone offers to help take them up on it because you will need it. And it's not my natural inclination to just accept help and when she - even when she said it and I would have been you know six months pregnant. I'm thinking [puffing of air] we'll manage; I don't need to do that.

But then you've got this little voice in your head that's got to keep reminding you but it's not for you and you know if you want to punish yourself and not cope that's down to you. But this isn't for you this time, this is for other little people who really need you to be functioning and coping. And they need the best that you can give them and if the best you can give them is somebody else helping you, you've got to take that advice and you've got to take the help. So every time I wanted to say no I'd be saying thank you very much, I'll get back to you when I need you. And we did take up people on you know help when it was offered.

Because it's not offered often you know and you've really got to just - you've got to remember that it's a society that raises a child. And you know that's why the child maternal nurse is there and that's why the hospitals are there and we're not out giving birth under a bush or something you know. It's a community that raises a child and you've got the biggest burden and the hardest job but if help's offered you have to take it.

Can I ask why it's not your inclination to accept help or ask for help?

[sigh] I think I can usually manage and because I'm particular about things I like to do things my way but - I don't know, it's probably ego and wanting to be able to say I could do it.

Yeah, the next thing is that through the Multiple Births group they - whenever they rang up and said how are you managing and I'd tell them our situation, how we didn't have any family here. They'd all take a deep breath and know what we were about to go through and I'd say but it's alright, we'll manage somehow. And they would know the reality of what we had ahead of us. So it, we were just incredibly lucky they found a volunteer to come and help me. So this woman was a retired nurse and loved working with little babies. And she would come one day a week during the day and help me.

And it was really great so she did that probably from when they were about three months until they started childcare at eight months. And yeah it's difficult when people do things - they want to do things the way you don't like. And I probably don't cope very well so knowing that people are going to do things a different way, I think I just have to kind of psych myself up before they're coming or - and just try to cope. But yeah I don't cope well with that one. But you know like I said I've just got to keep reminding myself that they were very wanted, they're very precious. We want to do the best for them and if that means accepting help and accepting that things can't be done exactly how you want.

So again that trying to let everything go and just do the best you can do, even you know - even that is kind of difficult I think. But I think we've done pretty well managing - it's just relentless, absolutely relentless.

My mothers' group, I have to say, I was lucky. I was - the Friday before I ended up in hospital it was the afternoon that I'd been at the psychologist. In the morning I was actually at my mothers' group, and I was so ... I was a mess. I was crying, and I was exhausted. It was just awful. And I remember pulling up and a couple of them knew that I'd been really struggling. And one of my girlfriends - like I called her and I said, "I just can't get out of the car, it's just - I just can't do it". So she came over, she got my son out of the car, she got me out of the car, we walked over. We were just going to a park with some of the other mothers. And I just cried my eyes out. And they were all great. Like, saying things like, "I was exactly how you're feeling two weeks ago", or you know.

'Cause you don't know unless it's happening then and there. If - which for me, like I was well and truly consumed in it. And they were always very supportive, always really supportive, and that was put together through the early childhood centre, and I get - I think that was from six weeks. So I was - I was lucky. I still have very close - I'm actually, tonight I'm going out with my mothers' group, just the girls, and I see - I keep in close contact with a few of them. We catch up. Yeah, like I mean obviously you get close to some more close than others, but I've got some fantastic friendships out of that.

And yeah - and I - it's funny because before I had [son's name] when I was pregnant, my son - I remember thinking I was just so not interested in mother's group. Like, what - all you know you've got in common is that you have a child. Well, once you have a child that is your life [laughs]. You know, and - as it should be. But you just - yeah I just remember thinking, 'I'm not really fussed about that whole mother's group business', but now I just think. 'Thank God I stuck with it, and kept that friendships - kept those friendships'.

Yeah, I would recommend anyone go to mother's group. It's not for everyone, and I've heard other stories about other mothers' groups that are really unpleasant. It's the luck of the draw. It really is.

Mother's group has been very beneficial for me. And I've got some great friends out of it. Good support network. And it's great to just turn up somewhere, look completely hideous, no makeup - no nothing done, spew and all the rest of it [laughs], and just see everyone else looking tired and like crap [laughs]. And if they don't you say, "What have you done, what is going on, how the hell did you have time to put makeup on?" [laughs] It's usually because they got up four hours earlier. So yeah.

And then I was going to like a gay dads' social thing as well, which was helpful as well. Then mums' group - went to mums' group. They were great. They were fantastic actually. Thank God! [laughs] Couldn't have dealt with - going to that and dealing with something bizarre, but they were all amazing.

So how - was that something that you sought out, the mothers' group?

Well, my background's working in health and the community sector, so I knew that the mums' groups were important from, yeah - well, not the mums' group, the new parents' group [laughs]. Mostly for straight women. So, you know, I really wanted to go along, because I thought that was important to be connected with people in my local area. Yeah, and, then I set up the gay dads' play group.

And I guess, you know, I think tying that back to when I meet up with other gay dads or whatever and there's - you know, there's a mutual support and I think it's really beneficial when there's some expertise one way or the other, or both ways and stuff.

Just that support, or not - not being judged and, yeah, being able to let rip if you need to let rip, you know, about whatever as well. You know? Even if it does sound completely judgmental and screwed. [whispers] It's fine. Just do it! Get it out of your system! It's the process.