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Forms of support
Talking about mental health
Advice and advocacy
Relationships with friends and family and mental health
The people we talked to described varied experiences and expectations of their involvement with family and friends, and the impact of family members and friends on their lives. They discussed the different forms of support they received from family or friends and how they felt about being able to talk with them about their mental health. They also commented on their reactions to advocacy and advice from family members or friends, and the connections between their family relationships and friendships and their mental health.
Forms of support
For those experiencing severe mental health problems, relatives and friends can be an important source of support. The people we spoke to described receiving various forms of support and care including a place to stay, support during treatment and appointments, and food. Sarah moved back home with her parents after she became ‘unwell’ and ‘ended up forming a really strong relationship’ with them. Nicky described how her parents ‘protected’ her when she was on medication that had very strong side-effects by regularly ‘taking her out … on drives’. A few people said that their families helped them to access mental health services and practitioners, including Niall whose stepmother recommended a psychiatrist who had been suggested to her.
Gurvinder said his mother brings him cooked meals and talks to him, which he said helps ‘dim down’ the voices that he hears.
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My mum still has a very strong role in my life right now. She makes food for me, comes over, sees me, visits me and she spends a great deal of time with me.
I feel that’s a good thing because if I’m left alone, I tend to feel alone a lot and I need some company just to get through certain things. Like if I’m hearing voices again, just like a couple of months ago – I’ll give you an example – I was hearing voices one night and the only way to disrupt me from hearing voices is talking to someone. Then the voices dim down.
So I really just rung up my mum and she came over. She started talking to me or whatever and then eventually the voices went away. So just little things like that, I can do. Like just with my mum, my family or whatever.
Talking about mental health
Many people discussed whether they felt able to talk to family members or friends about their mental health. Some people said they felt comfortable talking to their family or friends, and appreciated their interest. Helen described one friend who often called her to ask, “Are you okay?” as ‘a blessing’, while Niall said his father showed interest in his appointments with his psychiatrist, which he valued. Others would have liked to talk about their mental health problems with family members, but their family members were not ‘open’ to this. Carlo said his ex-wife’s reluctance to discuss his diagnosis of bipolar disorder made it feel less ‘permissible’ for him to talk about his experience with her. For some, ‘stigma’ around mental illness amongst their parents’ generation meant they did not feel able to speak openly with their parents about their mental health (see also Discrimination and social responses to mental health problems).
David said his family’s discomfort with ‘talking about mental vulnerabilities’ had impacted on their degree of involvement in his life.
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My other sibling is probably more in line with my parents in terms of not being comfortable talking about mental vulnerabilities. And that can be difficult because there’s certainly my perception is there’s a lack of empathy because of an unwillingness to talk about anything that might be challenging. And there certainly seems to be from my other sibling, a real lack of understanding of what mental illness is, that sort of, “Why can’t you just snap out of it” or, “Why can’t you just choose to be better”.
I mean I’ve had the same conversation with my parents, “Why can’t you just be better. Why can’t you go, you know, where’s the old David?” And that’s really disheartening. I did disengage quite a bit when I had that conversation because I felt like there was a real lack of understanding and lack of empathy but, you know, since then mum’s attended a couple of information nights at [mental health organisation] to try and talk to my carer, meet my support worker at [mental health organisation].
You know, she’s been cooking food for me. I know because I don’t have any kids or I’m not married, my parents are more involved with both of my sisters’ lives because with their grandkids. Both my sisters have children of their own. So sometimes I feel like I’m not as engaged with my parents because I don’t have any grandkids for them to spend time with.
Yeah it, I guess, has affected my perception of my parents and our relationship because we don’t really stay in contact much really. I mean birthdays, they’re only 20 minutes away from me but they’re at my sister’s place round the corner from me, twice a week, but I might only talk to them once every fortnight. So we’re not hugely engaged.
It’s not that I have any hard feelings, really, I just, yeah, only mum’s shown she’s interested in helping and she’s interested in being supportive. I know dad finds it confronting and prefers not to talk about it. But, at times I guess I could say that I wish they had a… I wish we had a closer relationship or I wish that that they had more involvement in my life. But it is what it is.
A few people preferred to initiate conversations with family about their diagnosis or treatment, rather than simply responding to their questions or comments. Others discussed their diagnoses with specific family members or close friends. Michelle said she felt she ‘could only really talk to’ her daughter about her mental health experiences.
Helen described her conflicting feelings about seeking support from her adult daughters about her ‘problems’.
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It’s very hard, because you don’t want to put them into that position where you don’t want them worrying sick about you. You want them to feel that you are okay. You don’t want them to be, it’s like, well it’s hard to put in words. You don’t want them to sort of experience – oh, it’s so hard to put into words.
You don’t want to be upsetting them. And you want them to think that you are the stronger person, because you’re the parent. And it’s like the reverse role, that they’re being the parent to you. And you as a mother and a parent feel very inadequate that you’re not acting that role properly as a mother. You know, it should be the other way around and you should be looking out for them all the time.
And, you know, its not pride. It’s just that you’re the mum. You should be okay. You shouldn’t be sick like this. They’re your children. You should be helping them, not them helping you. But at the same time in the back of your mind you say, well, if you really want me to get well, come and take me to the doctor’s then, you know. I would never… I’m not a person to be asking for help.
And you know, “You’ve got to go to the doctor’s”, but you can’t get yourself to the doctor. And then you have your children saying, you’ve got to go, and then in your mind saying, ‘Well, if you want me to go, come and take me to the doctor’s’, you know.
I’ve never said this to them, because I don’t want to be upsetting them, you know. They’ve got their own lives and they have their own problems. They’ve got their own children to raise up and, you know, you think to yourself, they’ve got enough on their plate, so that’s why you don’t present your problems to them.
Advice and advocacy
Some people discussed receiving advice from their family and friends, or support during decision-making about treatment. Advice was mostly appreciated. Niall said his father gave him ‘good advice’, which Niall listened to before deciding whether to act on it. However, David described his parents and sibling’s advice that he should ‘just choose to be better’ as ‘difficult’. Some people valued being told by family members or friends that they seemed to be becoming ‘unwell’. Helen wanted her family to ‘take a stand’ and recommend she go to the doctors if they noticed signs she was becoming unwell.
Paddy said he ‘tries to listen to family and friends’ if they tell him that they think he is becoming ‘unwell’.
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People say I’ve got insight into it. I hope I do. But I think I do. I certainly have a lot more insight than those first years of ’93 and anxious years of school and that so, I definitely think that’s a burden or a blessing and yeah. I try to listen to people. If I am getting over the top or out of hand, I try and listen to family and friends, because they might know a bit more than me sometimes what…
Like one time I think my best friend’s sister, we were in their family home and she said, “Because I don’t think you should go to work, I think you’re unwell and that”. And so, yeah, but I wasn’t offended at all. I was very grateful, yeah.
Is there a particular way that you would like that communication to be delivered to help, so you aren’t offended? Or not necessarily?
No I just, I think I try and take it on board, but I hope I do. Yeah. But I have taken it on board in the past. I’m pretty confident that I would in the future, from family and friends and yeah.
A few people said they felt their family was not involved enough in decision making about treatment. During Alice’s first hospitalisation (a voluntary admission), her family ‘left it to the medical professionals to make the decisions’. She was then made subject to compulsory treatment. Her family have since acknowledged that they ‘should have’ helped her more at that time. Others described resenting the involvement in decision making regarding treatment of family members or friends whom they felt did not have their best interests at heart.
Helen said she and her ex-husband had disagreed over her choice of psychiatrist.
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Obviously the marriage wasn’t going well. The kids were all grown up and doing their own thing. And I’d sort of go in and out, in and out, you know. Sometimes, you know, the depression would last two months, then the next time it would last four months and I thought, this isn’t any good, I’ve got to go see a doctor. So I went to my GP and as I was going there bumped into my husband. And he stopped the car and he goes, “Where you going?” And I said, “To the doctor’s”. I said, “Where are you going?” He said, “To the doctor’s”. I said, “Oh, what’s wrong with you?” He goes, “You”. I said, “Oh, really?” I said, “Okay”.
So we both went into the clinic and I was called in by the doctor and [ex-husband] wanted to come in. I said, “No”. I said, “I will speak to him first”, and I said, “Then when I’m finished, then you may come in”.
So anyway, I went to the doctor. I said, “I need help”. I said, “I’m going up and down, up and down, all the time”. And I said, “I’m not getting any better. I need to get through this. You know, I do have a family”. So I said, “I need to see a psychiatrist”. I said, “I want you to recommend a good one for me”. He said, “Okay”, and he goes off.
And I said, “[Ex-husband] wants to see you as well”. And he goes, “What for?” I said, “Because of me”. And he goes, “Oh, okay”. He goes, “Do you mind if we call him in now?” I said, “No, go ahead”. So he came in and he goes, “Yes, [ex-husband]”? And he goes, “Well, I want Helen to see a psychiatrist”. And he goes, “Well, that’s why Helen is here”. And [ex-husband] sort of went, “Oh”, as if to say, ‘Oh, really?’
And [ex-husband] goes, “Well, I’ve got one that I’d like her to see”. And the doctor goes, “Well, it’s not up to you to decide which psychiatrist she sees. It’s up to her to make the decision”. He goes, “But I’ve got a good one”. He goes, as I said, “She makes the decision”. So the doctor said, “I can recommend Dr So-and-so for you, Helen”. He goes, “He’s very, very good, you know. He’s got great results. So it’s up to you to decide”.
So I said, “Well, obviously” I said, “I’ll go with your recommendation, thank you very much”. And my husband continued. He kept on stressing, he goes, “No, I want you to see this doctor”. And I said, “Well, I don’t want to see your doctor that you’ve found”. I said, “I’ll go with, you know, the doctor that [doctor] has recommended”. And he wasn’t happy with that at all.
And I found out later that [ex-husband] was hoping to have me committed into an asylum over there.
Relationships with friends and family and mental health
Many people talked about the impact of relationships with family members and friends on their wellbeing, as well as the impact of mental ‘illness’ on those relationships.
Several people discussed the differences between the support offered by friends who had lived experience of severe mental health problems, and those without. Some, like Ann, said they had friends who were both ‘well’ and ‘unwell’. Others valued their friendships with people who had received the same or similar diagnoses. Taylor said she gained ‘more understanding’ from her relationship with a friend diagnosed with bipolar disorder because her friend had ‘been through’ an experience similar to hers.
Brendan appreciated his friends who ‘understand’ and recognise that he did not ‘choose to ‘be unwell’.
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I guess I’ve, you know, I’ve had friends who have stood by, stuck with me along the way and, some who have never really understood the mental illness.
So I get a lot of, “You’ve just got to do something” or, you know, “You’ve just got to make yourself”, you know, “Just do it” and, you know, “Stop worrying about things”. And that’s been difficult, from people who you’ve known for a long time. You know, when you talk about all this stuff that’s gone on, and they can still have this, you know, not have that understanding. But that’s pretty uncommon. Most of my friends, you know, have been really good.
You know, there’s never been any issue about, “Oh, you know, you’re not working” or, you know, “You’re not doing anything”. It’s always been my own issues with that, you know. My friends work and are doing stuff, ‘why can’t I?’ But I think, you know, having people to talk to about stuff is really good too, that’s helped to be able to, “Oh fuck, you know, I’m not coping” or, you know, “I’ve fucked up again” and to, you know, like not to have, you know, some judgement or anything like that.
Yeah, I think that sort of makes it so much easier to be able to talk about it when, you know, there isn’t that feeling of judgement or, you know, that there seems to be that understanding of what you’re going through. And like I say, it’s because, you know, they know, I guess they can see that, you know, that there is struggle and that, you know, that I want to do better and, you know, seen me when I’m well, seen me when I’m not. And, I guess they know that this isn’t like a choice or that I want to be unwell. But yeah, I think it’s taken some time.
Some people spoke about friends who had an impact on their health, either positively or negatively. Bernadette was grateful for a friend’s advocacy on her behalf, which led to her being discharged from a mental health unit after a lengthy stay. Others talked about having to end certain friendships, like Maria who described letting go of friends who ‘upset’ her in order to ‘protect’ herself.
Vanessa said her family and old friends live interstate and she spends ‘a lot of time alone’, which sometimes makes her feel ‘deeply sad’. Learning recently about a friend’s terminal illness has shifted her perspective on life.
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So I spend a lot of time alone and I don’t do well when I spend too much time on my own. I know a lot of people but I don’t really have many friends. I am friendly with the ones in the country but I’ve been gone a long time now so I don’t really go up and see them very often but I’ve got a new phone plan which I can talk to anyone for as long as I like. So I’ve rung one and had a good talk to her which is great.
Usually I write heaps of letters, and so I’ve taken up card making, and I write like a letter card to try to constrain it a bit but then I just add extra pieces of paper but I’m not an unhappy person. I’m quite happy with my life. You would say probably I am pretty well recovered, but it doesn’t take much for me to start to spiral down and I’m not – I do not have an even personality. So when I get a bit sad I get really quite deeply sad and sometimes when I’m looking forward to something I can either go crazy or I can just not really think it’s going to be that good.
So it’s sort of sad but I made a decision a few days ago not to spend any more days of my life wishing I was dead because one of my good friends, he’s got bowel cancer and they can’t do any more for him so his days are just numbered and I just thought, you know, all this time I waste just wishing I was dead, I’m not going to do it anymore. I don’t know how I’m going to change myself but I’m not going to do it anymore.
A few people spoke about the impact that their mental health had on their family, in particular their families’ responses to their hospital admissions.
Alice’s father ‘walked out in tears’ after seeing her ‘talking gibberish’ when she was heavily medicated during her first voluntary mental health unit admission.
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So my family came in, so actually when I say my family, it wasn’t all my family from memory. It was my mother, a good friend of mine and my sister. We were all in a room together at one point and I think it must have been around lunchtime… The conversation came up around food and the canteen in the hospital or whatever, and then I kind of remember asking my mum to go get me some food. I don’t know whether I was hungry or whether I didn’t want to eat what they gave me or whatever. And she did…
But by the time I was medicated, I can’t remember whether it was that night or the next night. I’m sure it would have been that night because my father wouldn’t have waited 24 hours to come see me. He came in. By then I was talking gibberish. So that’s how the medication affected me. I don’t think that was, I don’t think I would have ever ended up in a state of, so when I say gibberish I don’t even think I was coherent when he saw me. My father walked out of there in tears, freaking out at the state I was in by that night.
Others talked about the impact, positive or negative, family members had on their mental health. Maria attributed her ‘illness’ in part to ‘issues’ related to her upbringing in a traditional Greek family in which she felt ‘controlled’. Brendan described how being physically distant from his son previously contributed to suicidal thoughts. However, recently, the thought of how this would affect his son has stopped Brendan from attempting to take his own life.
Tanai has felt suicidal and taken drugs in the past. She feels she ‘never went completely off the rails’ because of her relationship with her mother.
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My mum is cool. My mum is actually the greatest person I have ever known. She has been the best person with my mental illness ever. Like I credit her with the fact that I never successfully killed myself and the fact that I never went completely off the rails. Because she never gave me reason to fight against her. She never once tried to take all sense of control away from me. Like I know that would be, like that’s probably a really hard… it would have been a really hard thing for her because it’s like “Oh my God, my baby is trying to die. What is she doing?” And as I got older, like I was into drugs, I was out.
I didn’t come home for five days at one point and she still never flipped out. She was concerned but it was always a case of I think she knew if she tried to pulled me in, I would pull away harder. And so she gave me freedom without letting it get to a really dangerous point. And I never felt the need to go like too far. Which is really, really great and I really appreciate that.